Discipline

Recently I went and got about 14 books and 1 DVD from the library about disciplining children. I have read all but one of them and have yet to watch the DVD. Many were aimed at children who are 4 or older and so I skimmed them and wrote down some of the titles of the books I want to look at again when the boys are older.

The book I like the most was James Dobson's book called The New Dare to Discipline. He emphasizes finding a balance between love and discipline. He said that the best opportunity to communicate often occurs after a disciplinary event and that a resentful child won't talk, but one who is sorry will. Parental warmth after discipline is essential in order to demonstrate that it is the behavior and not the child that is the problem. He said discipline is about learning and corrective love, rather than an expression of hostility. He is pro-smacking, but Rob and I together decided we are not in favor of smacking because Thomas and Luke can understand us. I think smacking is more effective if the child cannot understand you but can comprehend the smack (i.e. not an infant). But, when we explain why that behavior was not appropriate, Luke and Thomas can understand and we then put them into time-out. It seems to be working so far.

So, time out would be used after an immediate infraction and if the child is being defiant. One then communicates exactly why they are being disciplined and suggest alternate behaviors for the future. As they get older, the removal of privileges becomes more effective.

Dobson also talked about controlling without nagging. So he says you should never count down till the child needs to be obedient. Rather give fair warning that in a certain number of minutes they need to go to bed or do whatever and then expect immediate obedience when the time comes.

I also read about some other things that I think will be useful: Firstly, mirroring, which is expressing what the child cannot express (for instance, if they grunt or whine because they do not have the vocabulary yet) in order to help them know how to communicate and also to correct inappropriate child responses with appropriate parental responses (for instance, if they say "I hate you!" you would say, "You don't hate me. You are not happy that I have asked you to do X.") Secondly, one way to encourage positive behavior when the child is older is to have a positive points chart. Here you have listed some positive behaviors (such as sharing or making their bed) and the child can get points for performing them. You then have a reward menu (consisting of mostly immaterial items) from which they can choose their rewards, depending on how many points they want to spend. So perhaps an extra bedtime story will cost them two points, but a night out with their dad will cost them 15 points.

Anyway, Luke and Thomas are pretty good boys and are generally obedient. But, every toddler needs to be disciplined as they are learning how to behave and what is expected of them. I'm excited about these things I read and thought I'd share!