Love and Logic

Rob and I recently read a book called Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. In my mind, it is the best parenting book I have read and I have read quite a few! I really recommend reading it. The authors give lots of personal examples of how they used these concepts in their parenting. Since then we have been trying to put these techniques into practice...which takes quite some work, given the bad habits I have with four years of parenting under my belt. Here are some of the ideas I liked:

Rules
1. Setting limits in a loving way
- act without frustration or anger
- stop using threats and repeated warnings
- set the limit once
- make statements you can enforce
- give kids a healthy sense of self control
2. Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity
- always provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering a consequence
- replace punishment with logical consequences
- when possible, show your child how to solve his own problem

Build the self-concept
- offer empathy, understanding, and unconditional love
- allow children to struggle and solve their own problems
- encourage children to learn to succeed through personal thinking and learning
Some ways to do this include:
- Share the control or decision making
- Offer empathy, then consequences
- Share the thinking and problem-solving

Share the control or decision making and give lots of choices:
1. Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly
2. Provide choices only on issues that are not dangerous or don't create a problem - for anyone.
3. Always offer two options, each of which makes you happy
4. If the child does not choose in ten seconds, choose for the child.

Offer empathy, then consequences:
1. Instead of making threats or giving warnings, express empathy and take action.
2. Gently lead or carry your child to his room
3. Give your child a choice about the door
3. Say: "Feel free to come out when you're acting sweet"
4. Do not lecture or remind when your child is ready to come out

Make the consequences appropriate:
1. The consequence must fit the misbehavior
2. Focus on poor choices, not "bad" children
3. Address the present not the past
4. Be empathetic when giving the consequence
5. Do not accompany the consequence with lectures, reminders, or guilt trips
6. Give consequences that can be enforced consistently
7. Teach your child wisdom

Share the thinking and problem-solving:
1. Lock in the empathy
2. Ask your child, "What are you going to do?
3. When your child says, "I don't know" ask "Would you like to hear some ideas?"
4. Offer no more than three possible solutions. After each one ask, "How would that work for you?"
5. Ask your child to choose--and learn from the choice and your empathy.